Earliest Memory

Bloganuary: What is your earliest memory?

Wow. Easy but difficult. I wonder how many others are with similar thought. My earliest memory is not one of happiness, joy or cuteness and I question whether to write about what my actual earliest memory is or do I write of the “other” earliest memory I have, the happy one?

The Memory

I was five. It was a sunny summer day. I want to say it was a Sunday, but really I do not know. My dad had just come home, he had been gone for the day and I was excited to play with him. I was the apple of his eye, I could do no wrong, and my every wish was his command. What would we play today? Barbies? Let’s play barbies! I ran to my room to get my dolls and their things. My dad was now in the kitchen talking to my mom. I grabbed my toys and come out of my room. As I come out, I see my dad crossing the hallway with bag in hand headed for the door. “Daddy where are you going?” I yelled. He kept walking toward the door. “Daddy! Daddy! wait I want to play with you!” As he got to the edge of the door he stopped, knelt down, gave me a big hug and kiss and told me he loved me. Then, he picked up his bag and walked out the door. The screen door slammed shut in my face. I stood there crying. “I want to play daddy!” “Come back daddy! Come back! Let’s play barbies.” I grabbed the handle to open the door and my mom stopped me. I stood their crying. My dad was gone.

The Reason

Sad memory, why share it?

Being the child of divorce may not be surprising as with a quick search on the internet you will see that the current divorce rate is fairly high and common. But, divorce is not something to be taken lightly if you have children as it affects many areas of a child’s life no matter at what age or stage of life it is experienced.

Yes, I know. “You shouldn’t stay together for the children.” This is true too, I guess. I am not an expert. But…

If divorce has crossed your mind, or you are in the midst of starting the process and have children young or old, can you press the pause button for a moment? No child old or young wants an outsider in their family unit. Yes, people can adapt and make it work and there are happy blended families but in the end there is still the “other factor.” This “other” is ever present and is somehow effcting the child.

An Adult Example

Recently a friend of mine came to see me to talk about her recently divorced parents. She wanted to express her frustrations with her parents, the situation and the “other.” Her parents divorced when she was in her early thirties. She came to me saying, “My mom is bringing her new boyfriend to see my kids,” eye roll. “We are having dinner and my dad bringing his girlfriend.” “She is so annoying, she does not know her place.” “Why can’t they just come alone without the other!” “If I say something, then we will get into a fight.” These are just a some things that people may say or experience as adults of divorced parents.

Children

As for children of divorce, we say things like “oh they are children, they adapt easily.” Yes, they do, they have no choice. But the realitiy of the situation is that the divorce is affecting them at the moment and perhaps later too.

So what, should happen? Should people stay together and be miserable?

No.

My ask is this…

TRY.

TRY talking.

TRY therapy.

TRY separation with the hopes of reconciliation.

TRY religious guidance.

TRY self help books.

Just TRY them all before you act because divorce does impact lives, young and old, then and now.

I do not write as an expert in the area, only from experience.

a child of divorce.